GOODNIGHT OLD HORSE

Imagine being born into a cushion-less society, where you had to adjust quickly to your surroundings to avoid becoming soft in this world. A time where hard work was everything, as it was the only fucking way you could earn any respect at all.

From the cars our grandparents drove, to the houses they were parked in. Every belonging obtained was given to them through long hours of sweat and labor. Through that exact struggle is where they found the components of what it takes to be a good man or woman. Striving for this greatness, to one day, create a family to pass down their teachings to.

Each step taken in that technology-deprived world, there was a lesson to learn. A cowboy stayed attached to his Old Horse, in the same way, we all stay attached to the phones in our pockets. It was an effortless thought for them to pay attention to the winds that passed, as well as the rise and fall of the Sun above. Through those thoughtless teachings is how it became so simple to not only become aware of the Earth and her most natural movements, but to respect the disastrous love that she bestowed.

OUR EARLIER DAYS

We all seem to have similar early memories of our grandparents. Whether it be noticing their smile during a silent sunrise, or the savory smell of a well-seasoned steak as you and your siblings ran around the yard like some wild fucking animals.

As we watched over these beautiful souls, we had learned more than we could ever comprehend.

There’s a reason as to why we grew up with bruises on our legs, and thorns in our fingers. That’s because our elders simply taught us not to be little bitches. When we fell and tears erupted, grandpa didn’t cradle us like our parents or anyone else for that matter. He told us to brush it the fuck off, go back out, and try again.

For most of us, it was through their example we learned to become men and women. Their actions showed us how to fix what was broken, how to build the lives we dreamed of, as well as how to be grateful for the breath that we were blessed with.

YOUR TEACHINGS

Most of us have such fond memories of our grandparents. Personally, I remember finding so much interest in watching my grandfather build his house and cars from the ground up. I was obsessed with the fact that he never asked anybody for help, he always just figured it out on his own.

It was so goddamn interesting, the way he laughed at his pain, then treated his wounds with the mixed flavors of a Corona and a bloody steak. Enjoying each little bit of his surroundings, as the bright rays from the Sun burned the only bits of skin that he left uncovered from that stained Carhartt shirt he wore.

It never seemed to be his words that taught me how to be a man. In fact, it was his silence that spoke the most. Witnessing his well-mannered movements and his gentleman-like behavior is what showed me the difference between right and wrong.

LETTER TO GRANDPA

Sadly, the only thing I ever hated about you, was the way you chose to die.

As the years of your final steps began, oddly enough, it was all your strengths that became your weaknesses.

When your body began to decay, you refused to put down your pride and ask for help. When the time came to make amends with your wife and daughter, your ego stopped you from making the necessary apologies; which caused you to effortlessly resent the exact women you loved most in this world.

Due to your stubborn mistakes, you became the opposite of all the exact traits that I once praised you for.

I still remember the time I watched your eyes close for good. Fighting for one last breath, in the hopes that one last word could heal all the wounds you’d ever created.

For years I refused to believe all the rumors about you. That last tear that fell down your face as your body went numb, gave me all the answers I ever needed. Maybe that’s why I never stopped loving you… because I am you.

I'm a liar, a thief, and a cheater; just like you, Grandpa.

I am a fuck up, just as I will continue to be. The only difference between you and I is that I won’t wait until the end to make my amends.

As I sit here and continue to mourn your passing, I find peace. You see, as fucked up as it sounds, your death was your greatest lesson.

You successfully showed me the exact reason why it’s important to be a good person in this world. When my final breath approaches it will be with a smile, rather than with tears.

You did not teach me how to live, Grandpa… you taught me how to die.

I want to die with the feeling of happiness and love, not regret. You showed me that. There are so many things I could thank you for.

Though, oddly enough, my own ego is stopping me from saying thank you for anything other than your death.

While the rest of the family found relief in your passing, it felt as if I were the only one who suffered.

Your passing may have been painful as fuck for me. However, I find more happiness from seeing my mother be able to take a full breath, without the worry of your judgment, rather than being able to hear you say you’re proud of me.

You may not have been a cowboy, but goddamnit you really fucking lived like one in my eyes. As I sat and watched your grip slip away from that old Smith & Wesson, I am left with the same last words to you as my stepfathers’ when he shut your eyelids for good that day… “Goodnight Old Horse, I love you.”

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