MOTHERS SPIRIT

*Unfortunately, for this topic I am not able to speak on behalf of more than myself. All I can do is reflect on my personal experiences in hope that others will either feel connected, or simply be understanding.*

Neglect, inconsideration, resent, insensitivity, impatience, thoughtlessness, and ignorance.

These are only a few of the impulsive behaviors that I have reflected upon you throughout the timespan of this life that you have given me.

Ever since I can remember, you and I have had a much different connection than the rest of our family. Though strangely enough, the more I seem to grow, the more that connection seems to physically fade; although I always viewed it as nothing less than you releasing me into this world as a man of your creation.

I am beyond thankful that I feel so comfortable opening up to you about my psychedelic journeys. You seemed to have not only known, but undoubtedly believed that every time I have taken a drug, it was all for the purpose of not only healing, but learning. Every moment that third eye has opened, I have woken up a new man; implementing something into my life each time for the simple purpose of bettering myself.

With that being said, within each of my experiences of raising my own consciousness, you have always been the spirit that consistently pops up. Your soul seems to have repeatedly played a certain role in the magic that unfolds; the only strange part is that I never understood what lesson was to be made out of your appearances.

Whenever you arise, I seem to be stuck with nothing other than confusion. It seems as if there is no lesson to be learned at all, but you see, for me that just isn't good enough. I needed an answer, and goddamnit mom, afer traveling past countless dimensions within my medicinal rituals... I finally fucking found it. It was so simple that I continuously looked right past it the whole time.

Your soul was never trying to teach me anything in my trips, you were just there. You were just there being a mother... because deep down that is all that has ever mattered to me. You know damn well that I have never needed anybody in this life; though your support has been the only thing that has constantly held me together since the beginning.

As time has carried on, I began to distance myself from you. Leaving you questioning if the love that your son has for his mother is still there.

I just want you to know that I always have and forever will notice you. Offering gifts in order to get me to return home. Not just physical gifts, but the emotional and spiritual ones as well. Not to mention all the words you have spoken in my moments of pure darkness to help bring in even the smallest amounts of light.

Sadly, I believe that the distance I created was merely because I never felt as if I deserved your offerings.

Take into account that when you are born different than all the others, this world seems to be against you. I am only aware of that because you brought it to my attention years ago; because you are the only other person who seems to understand that exact feeling.

Nobody has ever understood my words mother, but you have. Nobody has ever said something that could actually put my psychotic mind at ease, but you always did.

Oddly enough, it was never that you did or said anything wrong that drove me away... it was that you did and said everything right. It was all just so foreign to me that I never understood how to interpret it.

All of the medicines I have introduced to my well-being have shown me your spirit. I believe that it is because they want me to never forget who you are. The more I learn to accept them, the more they continue to guide me down a new path. An endless road leading me on a quest to prove my love and appreciation for you.

I have seen more things within my lifetime than others will ever have a chance to. Not only in this physical existence, but the spiritual realm that surrounds us as well.

I have felt every emotion possible to its maximum extent. I have tred water among multiple oceans and trekked an unbelievable distance upon the beautiful lands of this Earth. I could not say that if it weren't for you.

I am unbelievably grateful to not only wake up each morning, but to begin each day as your son. I hope you understand fully that I will never forget you as well as everything you have done. I continue to accept the flow of your teachings as they move through me, and I promise you that this world will only change for the better when I learn to let it all out.

I love you mother. Happy birthday.

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