LIFELESS

As I opened my eyes and turned around to become aware of my surroundings, I had noticed… myself. My pale, cold, and breathless self.

I don’t care who you are or what you have seen in this life, there is nothing in this world that can help you comprehend the feeling that arises within when you physically see your own body dead on the floor. There is nobody to turn to, and there is not a single soul that is floating within the same dimension as you that will help bring you back.

So what is it that you do in that moment? When you have absolutely no time to waste for thinking, all you can do is make your best judgement and simply hope to any higher being that you don’t end up meeting the devil today.

Back in my teen years is when the unusual changes started to happen, no not puberty you sick fucks, I’m talking about mentally. As a kid everything in this world seemed to be so simple and normal, that is until I unexpectedly got shoved into a disorderly shit storm of complications within my family life. So clueless to the real world as well as being so unprepared, I had nothing that was stopping me from falling off the deep end, so I did exactly that.

I’m sure you would like me to go into depth on my awful decisions that were made throughout this time period, and believe me I will, but I’ll have to save those stories for a later time. This story is all about the very beginning steps I took to purifying my moonless, midnight soul.

Over the years, as I did my absolute best in completely opening myself up to those who could possibly help, I still seemed to have something that was hiding. Believe me, I put my all into making the right changes, though there happened to be some sort of hidden wall I just could not train myself to jump over, which brought an endless wave of depression, anxiety and a variety of other defenseless problems.

From what started as an interesting conversation between my hippie-ass mother and I over dinner about certain amazonian tribes and their rituals, she had unknowingly introduced me to the the one person that could possibly help, her name was Lady Ayahuasca.

Curious as to who she was along with a minimal amount of research, I had come to an agreement with myself in order to visit the peculiar woman. Mothers alarming eyes spoke nothing but concern when she found out I had made a decision to visit the Amazon so soon, although what she didn’t realize until years later was that this introduction to Ayahuasca was the last chance I had given myself. To me it didn’t feel so soon because all I wanted to do was heal, and well, it seemed as if this specific spirit happened to be the last hope.

Only a short period of time later, deep within the jungle as the full moon lit up the surrounding wildlife, a bright and young soul had handed me a shot of this outstanding mixture. It wasn’t until the exact moment that the dark and sluggish tea had passed down my throat, that the reality of my actions had finally sunk in. I still remember that “oh shit” moment, coming to my own understanding that there’s not a damn thing in this world other than this dirty-ass hippie standing before me that hopefully has the power to help me get through this experience. As I lie down only a few feet from my Shaman, I stare lifelessly at the ceiling and take a few deep breaths, finding the courage to finally close my eyes and let the ancient medicine work it’s magic.

What seemed like hours of a sleepless meditation had passed, I finally noticed myself drifting off, but… actually drifting off, as in floating through the fucking air! As I opened my eyes and turned around to become aware of my surroundings, I had noticed… myself. My pale, cold, and breathless self.

Now one thing I must make clear of, is that prior to this experience I had introduced myself to multiple different ego-deaths, but this was not the same. Noticing the souls of my own beloved ancestors drifting all around and welcoming me to the so called “afterlife” assured me of the truth of the matter at hand. I had shifted towards my Shaman to seek help as I was informed to do prior to the ceremony, only to realize that the man no longer had the power to assist me. I attempted to reach out, though I was quickly able to comprehend that he was already long gone. Only a few feet, yet several dimensions apart from the shamanic leader, I watched the man bury his own head into the plastic bucket he held securely in his lap. I’m sure he was only vomiting, though I was only able to notice the prodigious and slimy snakes, darker than the shadows surrounding the jungle we were laying in, that were egressing from deep within his stomach. Needless to say, it became apparent that I was on my fucking own at this point.

Following the countless attempts to connect my soul back to it’s rightful owner, I had detected an intense sense of panic, coming to an understanding that I only had a very short amount of time to bring myself back.

For me personally, without a second to waste, my survival instincts were to simplify the problem at hand. I was broken, and something needed to be fixed. It’s as simple as that! So what do I need to fix? Answering that was only easy for the simple fact that it presented itself before me in the form of an old, torn-apart door. It became clear to me that the creepy, paranormal door sitting before me had represented my subconscious, the back of my mind where I had thrown all those horrifying memories of shit I did that I desperately wanted to forget about.

Silly me, I really thought I could just shove all those skeletons behind that door and never have to deal with them again. Well guess what… I fucked up, and now I have been given the sweet pleasure of taking action in re-opening that terrifying door.

Let me remind you of the simple fact that nobody in this life had prepared me for the disastrous moment of opening that fucking door because, well, nobody knows that it exists! I would love to begin to describe the hallucinogenic massacre that flooded through as I tilted the melting handle downwards, though there seems to be no words that can possibly begin to describe my visuals.

As I fell through a kaleidoscope-like pit of emotions and colorful traumas, I had found the courage to take on each of my darkest fears that I had come in contact with. From the outside looking in, I’m sure it just looked like an endless panic of squirming, screaming, and vomiting; although personally, my experience had been full of forgiving specific demons that had represented not only others who have wronged me, but myself as well. I still recall as to how each confrontation had been even more spine-chilling than the last, being completely unaware of the reality of time had made it an unbelievably frustrating experience.

“So Dillon, why the fuck did you do it?”

Well, that is the most interesting part. You see what I have learned from my adventures with the spirit of Ayahuasca is that it is meant to take you down an absolutely frightening road, because it is only on that path that you will understand what it truly means to forgive(yourself or others) for those moments that are completely unforgivable. Some of those demons that I faced were ones that I had never wanted to approach in the first place, though I am so damn glad I did. You see, when you are unable to get past the situations that are holding you back, obviously enough, you will never end up moving forward past certain limits. I am more than appreciative to say that because of those specific interactions, those problems no longer harass me. I have made my amends and am able to move forward with my life.

Never in a million years did I imagine that in order to receive the exact healing I needed, would I be forced to not only meet my version of the devil, but to shake hands with the bastard himself.

Forgiving is one of those shitty things that none of us want to do, though if you truly want to find inner peace in this life, I have come to an understanding that it is the main step that needs to be taken in order to find that peace. We all got our own fucked up stories… I’m not telling you to dive into the deepest waters, I’m simply encouraging you to take the first steps. Start small, make your amends, wether its with yourself, a friend, or even family. It may suck, but your heart will be happy you did.

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